Things in my head and at work

I have not been very clear in my head lately. Things are hazy, nebulous. My waking hours are characterized by a lack of clarity. I had seen this phase coming. That was precisely why I planned a long silent retreat in Bodh Gaya. If things had gone as per plan, I would have been there right now. But well, they didn't. May be there is a reason for all of this. I should be on the lookout for anything out of ordinary.


Yesterday was different, for instance. After being in Patna for over eight months, I finally went to the much talked about P&M Mall, Patna's first mall. Finally, the city has a place where one can hang out for the better part of a day. Too bad it is so far from my house. By frequenting that part of the city, it has gradually become clearer to me why people's perception of Patna has improved from what it was ten years ago. Although, I have to admit that I am a tad disappointed by the fact that there is no bookshop in the mall. What I would have done to spend an afternoon in a well stocked book shop!


I stuffed my stomach as much as I could at the food court. I think I was eating for over an hour. And then, watched a movie about a boy and a girl. The boy was almost blue blooded, uptight, insecure and traditional. The girl was bubbly, cheerful, adventurous and a commoner. It was a two hour movie about their lives, emotions and relationship. It was a fairly simple, uncomplicated movie. Dashes of laughter here and there, no tear jerking moments, no melodramatic dialogues made it a good one time watch. It was a light movie, and I had no reason to feel heavy after watching it. 


The point is that developments of the last few weeks have left me in a haze. And that is where I am - in a haze. Having had to fire someone against my better judgement and continuously watching an innocent bystander bear the brunt of the negativity and anger that came out because of my actions and decisions has been difficult. Seeing good-natured subservience being valued more than ability, efforts, work and professionalism has been disturbing. I guess the most disturbing part has been the fact that I have been able to do nothing about this unfair situation. What else has been disturbing? All of those things going on inside my head. The sudden benevolence of those whose patronage I had lost. I am much more comfortable handling the animosity of certain kinds of people. 


It is the time to get my thoughts and acts together, and plan ahead. Yeah, I know that plans seldom turn out the way we intend them to. Yet we plan, because it gives us clarity. 


I miss my friends. I miss the candid conversations over coffee. I really miss not having any of you around to hang out over coffee or lunch or dinner or go on a leisurely stall and talk things over. How I wish you were here!

Tea break hypocrisy

“Hypocrisy can afford to be magnificent in its promises, for never intending to go beyond promise, it costs nothing.” – Edmund Burke, an eighteenth century Irish philosopher and political theorist.

Having been working in the development sector in India for close to two years now, I’m wondering if all I’m doing is glorifying the hypocrisy of the self proclaimed passionate proponents of development. The answer falls in the grey area, it is not a clear yes or no. Come to think of it, I’m just deluged with grey.

What should I think of a group of people who talk about removing gender biases in the society, whose work is focused on making young women from feudal backgrounds comfortable with making their own decisions in life, who call upon these young women to rise above and beyond the societal predefined roles and expectations for them, and do what they believe is right; and yet who directly or implicitly indicate that it is not okay for their female colleagues to go out for a cup of tea in a nearby roadside tea-stall? It is a Patna thing, a Bihar thing, I get it. Women are not expected to have tea standing on the roadside. But pray, why? If they can have the same cup or glass of tea sitting inside a car, what is the issue with standing near a tea stall and sipping tea? I was told that “Women from decent families are not expected to do that. It is looked down upon.” Well, go ahead and look down then, what else can I say here?

I don’t remember how many times I have gone out of my college, hostel and office with peers, juniors and seniors at college as well as work, to have cutting chai at the dhaba around the corner. Sometimes, I have done that alone. I have done this in half a dozen Indian cities, without even giving the act a second thought. But Patna, my hometown, ah! it is indeed different. So much for the accelerated development, and spotless exteriors, the mindsets still reside in the middle ages. What shocked me even more is that even the young and supposedly progressive adopt the same mindset when here. A young colleague left me speechless when he said on my face, without batting an eyelid that even if he wanted to have tea at a tea-stall, he would go alone, rather than accompany three female colleagues. And this was coming from a young man of twenty-five, who has been exposed to much more progressive societies, and has worked in a much more open environment. I do not even want to think about the mindsets of older people who have spent all their lives in Bihar.

I’m usually upset and angry when something like this happens. It gives way to feeling sad and sorry at the state of affairs. What is particularly dismaying is the fact that this comes from people who actually go around trying to instill confidence in young women from far flung areas of Bihar, telling them it is okay to dare, dream and act. 

Whatever happened to walking the talk? Are we really destined for hypocrisy? Why was this inconsequential act of taking a tea-break such a big deal?

Out of all this, there was one thing that made me smile. Of the three women who went out for tea, one was particularly hesitant, and had initially said an outright no. She relented eventually, and while sipping tea standing on the corner of a road admitted that she was hesitant because she had never before stood at a roadside tea-stall for tea. She had felt conscious about the negative connotation attached to the act. About what people would think.

So, how did she feel about this now that she was indulging in the act? She responded with a bright twinkle in her eyes and a disarming smile.

Questions and more questions

“We are all, by nature, clearly oriented toward the basic human values of love and compassion. We all prefer the love of others to their hatred. We all prefer others’ generosity to meanness. And who is there among us who does not prefer tolerance, respect and forgiveness of our failings to bigotry, disrespect, and resentment?” – His Holiness, The Dalai Lama

What, then, makes people behave meanly to others? I observe a lot of meanness around me. Deliberately causing discomfiture, uncalled for rudeness, unsympathetic stances, all not necessarily directed towards me, but always pervading the environment. What makes humans inhuman?

I will admit that constantly being in such an environment makes me, what I would call, not the best version of myself. But it is a vicious circle. It never ends. Meanness, cold shouldering, hot discussions, meanness, cold shouldering, hot discussions . . . and the loop goes on infinitely. Where do you break free? By being neutral, disinterested and reserved? It doesn’t always work.

Sometimes, by your actions you also affect how other people are treated by the ones you have drawn battle lines with. Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, your opponents don’t attack you. Instead they take their vengeance out on these innocent others. What do you do then?

One can probably mend fences by being super sweet and nice. But when you genuinely don’t like people, don’t have respect left for them, a super sweet demeanour is nothing but a facade. It is like lying to yourself. Is peace bought this way worth the lie?

Today has been a fairly slow day. I am in Samastipur. My teammates decided to keep me out of the field trips today. Consequently, I was left with a lot of time on my hands. Time to read, think, reflect, brood and write.

While I’m glad to have this time on my hand, a part of me is annoyed at not being in the thick of things today. I guess I should limit myself to being grateful, for a busy week waits for all of us.

An overdose of sweets and tea killed my appetite in the afternoon, and a lack of company finished off any motivation to order lunch. Do you think more profoundly and objectively with an empty stomach? And why is it that you don’t feel hungry, even when you feel the emptiness in your stomach? 

Innocent Hearts

It has been over eight months now. I was their teacher for a year. And those of you who know me will have no trouble in believing me when I say that I was a very strict teacher. I yelled at them, made them miss games when they didn’t do their homework, postponed the breakfast break unless each kid in the class mastered tables, and snatched their pencils when I found them doodling. I threw away Kaustub’s compass and tore away Neha’s paper. I almost chopped away Shradha’s tangled, matted locks, reducing her to tears and forced Prasad to stay for extra classes in spite of him wailing for going home. For the most part, I have found myself incapable of touchy, feely and cuddly love. When I left Pune, I didn’t really think that the kids would spring up so frequently in my thoughts. But they did. They still do.

Intelligent Vidya, who surpassed all expectations from a second grader, sincere Uday, who never did a single wrong thing, sweet Pushti, who every kid wanted to be friends with, cutely naughty Saras, who each girl wanted to tie a rakhi to, restless Amol, whose writing refused to keep pace with his active brain, Vaishnavi, Shravani, Kaustub, Viraj, Priyanka, Bharat, Varun, Rahul, Kevin, and. . . the list goes on. And Neha. Neha, who was a huge challenge for me to begin with. Neha, who hated me at the outset. And yet, she became so attached to me that she practically blackmailed her mom into inviting me home for lunch before I left Pune. One of the best lunches in my life – hot vadas, delicious sambhar, in a humble chawl on the outskirts of Pune. It was a lunch thrown in my honor. Neha who made her dad practise speaking in English and Hindi before I, who she called ‘didi’ went to their house, because ‘didi’ didn’t speak Marathi, and if her father couldn’t converse with me, Neha would feel let down. Because, she told her ‘didi’ that her dad was great, and had completed college. He drove auto rickshaws for a living. Neha took pride in the fact that her dad was an educated auto rickshaw driver.   

It has been eight months, and yet on a random day, out of the blue, a get a call from one of them – someone calling me to tell me how much the class misses me, someone begging me to at least visit, someone enquiring about my well being and whereabouts, someone wanting to know if I’m still teaching kids, someone wishing me a happy new year.

I spoke with Pavi today. It was like the old times. Her words are still ringing in my ears, “They remember you every single day. They rush up to me and Manj to ask about you. They’ve asked for your address to send you a letter and a gift . . . ”

My association with these innocent hearts is perhaps one of the most meaningful ones in my life. The photograph below shows some of them, taking a break after a strenuous practice for the school’s annual day last year. The photograph was taken in February last year, and is one of my favourites.

Pure Joy

Welcoming 2012

I have welcomed many new years with eyes wide open and awake. But, this is the first time in my life that I’m connected to the internet while welcoming a new year. Guaranteed, 2012 will be different.
So many years have gone by! Really, at times I’m amazed at the speed at which time has passed. At times, I feel I’m still standing where I was ten years ago, and time has raced past me. So much has changed, and yet, it feels like nothing really has changed. The world still follows the same rules. Things are same and different at the same time. 
Friends, acquaintances and relationships that span the globe, are so different, and yet feel so similar to me at a point in my reflections and memories. In a way this time doesn’t feel too different from the New Year celebrations of 2009, when I was standing at the Times’ Square in New York in frigid weather to see the ball come down, helped by the Clintons. Gosh! Time flies. 
Fireworks of celebrations are lighting up my eyes and ringing in my ears. It feels good. May this new year of 2012 give you whatever you want from it.

Incredible India

In a few hours, this year will be history. We witnessed blatant corruption and the 'Anna Hazare' phenomenon in India. We saw innumerable high level departures from the world, whether it was Steve Jobs or M.F. Hussain, Har Gobind Khorana or Sathya Sai Baba, Liz Taylor or Amy Winehouse, Gaddafi or Osama bin Laden , Shammi Kapoor, Bhupen Hazarika or Jagjit Singh.

Personally too, it has been a landmark year. What's a farewell to 2011 without a hearty laugh? The last post in 2011 calls for something funny. 

So here it is, seen on one of the busier commercial roads in the heart of the city. . . 

What is it? A discarded commode juxtaposed between a lamp-post and a car parked on the roadside.

Indeed, incredible India!

The most wonderful time of the year

There is an old classic that goes, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year...”  The joy in this song is infectious. I find myself humming along. The last week of the year invariably finds me in an introspective mood. Year after year, I take stock of who I am and what I am turning into. The warmth of feelings overcomes the chill of winters. The manifestation of a divine, supreme hand reinstates confidence in the state of the world. Lessons learnt during the year show the path for a better tomorrow.

2011 has been a unique year. I wrapped up my teaching job in Pune in the first half of the year, and dived into the social sector in Bihar in the second half. My former students, those eight year old innocent hearts still remember me sometimes. My former colleagues call me up sometimes to tell me how my kids are doing and to find out how I’m doing. Although I questioned myself on the propriety of my decision to take up that assignment in Pune, in retrospect, I now realize that it was a rich, valuable experience. It broke the monotony in my professional career. It shook me up to think and do something new. It made me think of new things, reignited the dormant creativity in me.

Coming back to Patna and taking up the assignment that I’m currently working on was another highlight of this year. Even five years ago, I would not have imagined that I’d ever take this step. Ten years ago, this would have been unthinkable. I had worked so hard to get out of this place. And here I was, returning to Patna with bag and baggage, out of my own free will. Life indeed is full of surprises.

Working here has been an eye-opening experience. From the vanity and meanness of those that dwell in ivory towers of their own egos, to the greatness of those who go by you most inconspicuously, I saw it all from very close quarters. Corruption is a bane, but it need not be a permanent feature. Like in everything else, innovative thought produces effective results in the matter of tackling corruption as well. I used to say earlier that one needs to speak up when one encounters instances that feel wrong to the conscience. I will modify it now and say that one needs to do something, and that something need not necessarily mean speaking up, it could be a silent action. And, I’ll leave it at that.

I have travelled a lot to erstwhile unchartered territories in the state of Bihar. Be it congested Biharsharief, rural Harnaut, beautiful Rajgir, far flung Motihari, crime infested Nawada, secluded Hisua, caste violence affected Warisaliganj, communist Bihat or loud mouthed Begusarai. I have enjoyed the road trips, and I have enjoyed the company I’ve had. I’ve had meaningful conversations, with myself, and with others. Knowing places and people around me, knowing myself, immersing myself in the moment, in the surroundings of all those places I travel to and spend time in – although physically exhausting, these trips have been a great experience for me. The seemingly endless roads, the brown and green countryside, the rising sun – all seem to be harbingers of a new life. In spite of uncertainties, there is a reassurance. I am discovering that forgiveness and letting go, hard as they are, are unparalleled virtues. Empathy, care and kindness come in unexpected packages. As does respect. And faith. Love and time do heal wounds. Travel clears the mind and meditation heals the soul. Multi-tasking is an illusion – you only do one thing at a time. Helping others helps you more. And, as my father told me when I was seven years old – honesty is the best policy. And the most important thing is to be honest to yourself. The year that is on the verge of sinking into history has been a very rich and intense year for me. It is hard to predict what turns life will take, but I have a feeling that mine will be worth its time. 

Early morning road journey from Motihari

Huts in rural Nawada

A pond in Begusarai

Mahatma Gandhi's mantra in MS College, Motihari

Integrity

Who are you when no one is watching? I think that sums up who you really are.

She spends a lot of time trying to understand who she is. The quest leads her to untraveled lands, unexpected jobs and mentally unchartered territories. Integrity – being true to herself – is important for her. Doing the right thing is important for her. There are wars and battles galore, some of them in such unchartered territories where many would fear to tread.

Her professional life has been a saga of adventures, surprises and discoveries for almost two years now. Sometimes, she shudders at the corruption rampant around her; sometimes she is disheartened by the character of people running matters; sometimes her guts swell with disgust and despise; sometimes she feels like withdrawing from all. But that is just sometimes.

Mostly, she takes pride in her decisions and actions, in spite of the opposition faced. She knows that she will not look back on these days and her actions with regret.

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.”

– Abraham Lincoln

Sunday morning reflections

Robert Louis Stevenson had said, “For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move”. I have been feeling like that lately. Just wanting to go. My work has been holding me back, but it has also shown me new avenues to explore.

I have been travelling for work, living in places I would have never dreamed of staying, doing things that are so different from whatever I have done before, or have aspired to do, that sometimes I wonder if this is all for real. I have been noticing greatness of the commons and depravity of the elite. Gaining respect for some, losing respect for others. Becoming cynical and optimistic at the same time. Finding order in randomness, clarity in nebulousness, warmth in winters and coldness in heat. Perhaps, I am not making much sense to the reader, but here I am sitting in my room in Rajgir trying to pour out all that I have been containing inside of me for the past so many days, and this is the form my words are taking.

I was up and out very early this morning. What I saw has left me pleased. 

 Rajgir is beautiful. I had come here with my family over twenty years ago. My unexpected line of work has brought me here again. I could not have asked for a better environment  to live. The air rejuvenates you. The serene silence infuses a new life into you.

I have to get to work soon, and I sign off quoting another great writer, Mark Twain. “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”